Seeing, Feeling, and Understanding
TIND Vol 4
Winter is coming.
And so is another season of Game of Thrones. Just when I thought I could put that trash season finale behind me, the internet said no.
It’s been a long time since the last issue of this newsletter, but I had a lot of stuff going on. It really just boils down to that. I planned to send something earlier when August crept up, and I was gonna say, “Oh, wow - look! It’s August! The crispy, burnt ends of summer.” I even had a cute video for y’all too. Well, it’s too late to share the video because fall is in full swing and it’s basically Christmas Eve tomorrow.
Read closely or quickly scroll to see the musings that have come from a whirlwind 100 days (actually 116), everything I think is worth consuming in Multimedia Club, and find out why counting fruit flies can make people a little nervous.
~100 Days
Over the past few months I quit my full-time job, launched my side project, started a romantic relationship 💕, moved to Atlanta ✈️, tried my hand at a new job 🤫, ended previously mentioned relationship 💔, and I’m currently trying to figure out my life😬. The gag is - that’s only ~8% of the story. Let’s just say James was right. These past 100 days have been ROUGH!
I leaned on my closest friends (ok, I basically laid on top of them) to help me navigate it all. This led to a lot of discussion, specifically with Alana & Brittany, about so many subtopics. Care, consideration, being seen, vulnerability, security, insecurity, pride, ego, communication, intimacy, and our recurring favorite topic - friendship. What follows is a series of questions for your consideration (please feel free to reply with your take), thoughts, images, and excerpts of convos that capture some of these elements. I can’t promise it will make sense!
Care & Consideration
What does it mean to move with care? How do you show people you care? What about consideration? Consideration feels like anticipation of care.
My care looks like generosity, trying to understand from someone else’s perspective (sometimes to a fault), and problem solving (even when I’m not asked - also a fault lol). What does your care & consideration look like?
I’m so lucky that care and consideration from my closest friends looks like showing up, calling, checking in, sitting quietly, protesting loudly, editing my grammar in emails, encouraging me to go for it, and most of all being a mirror to help me tell the truth about who I am. I find those conversations the most rewarding, even if they’re also the most painful.
Vulnerability & Being Seen
People want to feel seen; it makes them feel good. I hear and see that echoed in life and art. That feels like a pretty universal truth to me.
But what do you want people to see? How do you construct your image? What I’m really asking is what defines you? Which experiences & stories do you tell to shape the narrative of you? What if the way you see yourself is not how others see you? It’s like two versions of a truth or “…a thing that can be seen differently by two people.”
I think of my conversations with closest friends like echolocation. The topics can be deeply vulnerable, but sometimes the conversation is lighthearted & shallow. All of this back and forth is the equivalent of sending signals, creating an outline of my edges.
Understanding
Last week, Alana asked me about my greatest fear.
I think one of my greatest fears is misunderstanding and/or being misunderstood. I expect to get it wrong sometimes, but I do desire to get it right. It’s not even about being right - it’s more of wanting to do right. I also know I’m not alone with this specific fear. What’s your greatest fear?
I find myself continuously trying to understand. Situations, context, decisions, you name it. It’s like adult curiosity (not that curiosity is just for kids, it just feels like understanding is the grown-up, more developed companion). Why do we do the things we do? You. Me. Can we ever change? Should we seek change?
I think where a sane person may throw in a towel and say, “I just don’t get that person,” my nature (if I care) is to keep chugging away. It feels like one of the highest forms of compassion to me. I couldn’t really understand why, but Alana helped me unpack it. We landed on something like this…
You want people to choose, but to really choose, you have to really know. Some people don’t wanna know, and you can try to give them all the information you have, and it STILL might not be all they need to know to choose. Also, there is no one moment of choosing for you - it’s a constant choice. People are changing. You’re getting new information. Sometimes they have the info, but they don’t even know what to do with the shit - about themselves or about you.
Clarity
I really like clarity, like black and white. With me, you really gotta choose. And choose over and over. I don’t really live in the gray. It is what it is ‘til it ain’t. Uncertainty makes me uncomfortable, and I’ve been wondering why that is.
I watched Scenes from a Marriage (HBO), and I must’ve rolled my eyes a hundred times. I hope I’m not spoiling it for anyone, but there’s so much wishy-washiness in that series. Oooh, it made me feel sick! Who could put up with that in real life? Maybe it is because ambiguity feels like a failure to choose. Anybody else feel that way?
Multimedia Club
This is an overview of what I’m reading, watching, listening to, etc, and would love to talk about with you.
Anxiety can be fuel. You can choose how you use it. I really like this one and can’t wait for you all to read this book.
Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely
Can we really be rational? Even if we think we’re being rational, boy, do these brains disappoint. The power of relativity compels us all. The power of early anchoring or normalization of certain situations or scenarios can have you lost in the sauce out here. Is this similar to biological imprinting? Can it be reset? This book dovetailed nicely with Oprah’s book (below) and its points about how your early experiences shape your worldview.
What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Oprah Winfrey & Bruce Perry
I binged all the episodes to prepare for the new season in a few weeks
Clickbait on Netflix
Ghost is on Netflix but I’m afraid to watch it because I’m not sure it still holds up from the 90s
The Way Down on HBO
Foundation on Apple TV+
Let’s Talk Bruh Podcast
Dead Right Now by Lil Nas X (Check out his project, Montero, if you haven’t already)
What’s the Use by Mac Miller (The latest season of Dissect podcast focuses on the whole album, Swimming)
The weekly James Clear newsletter
I’m obsessed with all things anchovy, but I’m really getting into this salmon w/ anchovy butter recipe from NYT Cooking
Coming soon
I *think* I want to read Stanley Tucci’s new book called Taste.
I’m ready for the newest seasons of Insecure and Succession.
You don’t want to be in a category all on your own. People don’t know what to do with you then.
That’s what my friend said to me after I told him the exact number of fruit flies I caught in my homemade traps over 24 hours. He said my scientist friends would appreciate that I kept track, but other people? Not so much. They would just identify me as a person who kept count of the things they killed, and the probably wouldn’t have other friends who did that. So I’d be in a category all on my own. How would they interact with me? What should they expect next? Growth in the number of kills? A change in the types of things I killed? Would I move from fruit flies to larger insects and then maybe squirrels and small animals? When I thought back to the various times I told the story, a couple folks did seem shocked that I was counting the dead. Obviously, he was exaggerating, but I got the message. No one wants to be friends with a pre-serial killer.